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I actually did it.

For so long i have doubted myself. my abilities as a wife, a mother, a friend. I have faced many darkened days; days full of sunshine I was unable to see. Blinded by fear and defeat, I sincerely could not remember or reach my potential. 

I made the decision to make this year different. I signed up to do the Stampede  and Tough Mudder in an attempt to force myself to change. It probably seems a strange way to combat depression and anxiety but in order to complete these goals I am required to nourish my body properly, to get adequate rest, and to exercise. This is the formula that will change my life. I have carried this heavy stone around in my chest long enough and I feel ready to drop it in the ocean. I want it to make a tidal wave so big, that it drowns my fear and swallows my sadness whole! 

Yesterday I completed a 10km mud rush known as The Stampede. It was hard. It was muddy. It was fun.

We set out for the fields early. Leaving the children was the first obstacle for the day! They are each experiencing some tears whenever i leave them, which has added to my own separation anxiety. Grandma arrived at 7am. I kissed cheeks, wiped tears, said goodbye and I got through it.

We arrived, registered, marked our bodies with our designated numbers and waited for the second wave of competitors to be called up. As we listened to the DJ and music we observed the array of the people surrounding us and crazy enough to join us. I was terrified and excited when the time came to set off. 

Once the first obstacle was done and my heart rate was elevated I felt my fear give way to hope. Throughout the duration of the course I experienced a wide spectrum of emotions. I hit walls of doubt and exhaustion. I also felt triumph and joy. My mantra was "I can do Hard Things!!!". Some of the obstacles were easier than i had expected them to be and others required me to ask for help. I was definitely the slowest on my team, but I was never left behind or alone. This required others to sacrifice and i felt moments of shame and vulnerability. But i also felt loved and supported. It humbled me on more than one level. 

There were 4 particular Obstacles that, in hindsight, became stand out moments for me. 

The first was the adult sized, downhill, Slip'n'Slide. This was pure childhood fun and boy did i fly down that hill! I hit the pool of muddy water at the base so hard that i simultaneously fell out of my bra and pants! It was the most free i have felt in a long time :)
 
The second was the Ice Bath. It was cold like i have never experienced before. I thought my skull was going to crack open and my skin had been set on fire. I thought i was going to vomit or blackout. However, shortly after the pain subsided and it gave way to pure exhilaration. I WAS ALIVE!

The third was this wall...

This obstacle was number 36 out of 40. I was running on an empty tank at this point. I had completed every obstacle up until this point but truly did NOT believe i was capabale of conquering this fete. It required me to run at and then up the wall. Bax and a fellow Stampeder waited at the top with outstretched hands to help me over. My first attempt failed. I fell down defeated. But from the side lines i heard my brother Joe and LF bestie Kim cheering me on. I wanted to give up, but i didn't. Determined to complete every obstacle I leaned into the discomfort, took a deep breathe and  ran. My feet hit the wall and I dug deeper. I ran as far up that wall as i could have possibly run then leapt with all the wounded muster of my soul. And sure enough, my Baxter clasped my hand so tightly i knew he was not going to let me fall. I allowed myself a few tears as i descended the other side of that wall, so close to completing the course.

The fourth obstacle was going to see me face my fear... 10,000 vaults of electricity.

I waited until i had a clear path the run through. The girls in front of me and to the side had opted to army crawl underneath the live wires. I contemplated the same route but decided to finish, confident in the knowledge that i had taken the harder road where possible. I was electrocuted THREE times but did not fall until i had reached the other side! I waited for Baxter to make it through and together we crossed the finish line hand in hand. Once we had stepped across that line I sobbed into his chest, relieved that it was over and proud that I had completed the entire 10km.

This experience taught me to believe again.

MKR Babes

There is a TV show called My Kitchen Rules (MKR). It is a reality show that see everyday Aussies cook off against each other. The idea is to enter the competition with a friend or partner and host a dinner party for the other teams and 2 celebrity judges (Pete & Manu) in your home. You create an 'instant restaurant' and showcase your skills in a 3 course menu that illustrates who you are on a plate. The other teams and the judges then score your performance and the higher scoring teams go on to compete in a series of challenges until 2 teams are left standing in a sudden death cook off, which is to be judged by 6 celebrity chefs (Colin was a clear favourite of mine this year... yum!). The winners are crowned victorious and win $250,000.

I have never before permitted india to watch reality TV. I want to make this clear. However, one particular night, not too far along in the competition, India had a rough night and stayed up later than usual. I was keen on watching MKR so i allowed her to lay in bed and watch with me. This was a turning point in her life. It was as if she had a spiritual awakening. India fell in love with cooking and in love with MKR. I would have to ensure she was in bed before it began or there was a fight on my hands! India always won and it soon became something we both looked forward to. An activity we loved to do together.

It was all very exciting and mouthwatering fun. On the show there is always teams you love, you dislike and you love to dislike. This year saw 2 girls from NSW  become the team Australia loved to dislike and who changed the way i feel about the word "babe" from this point on. They were amazing cooks but they were also, as India nicknamed them, the Mean Girls. They had a particularly amusing rivalry with a team of Italian mum's, Angela and Melina, who were India's favourite team. Infact, India cried herself to sleep the night they were evicted from the competition (we have video proof!) and in order to comfort her i had to help her fall in love with another team - Dan & Steph. They were my favourite team and i cannot express how grateful i am that they won... i do not know how India would have handled their loss in the final :)

This leads me to the point of my post. India developed a greater love of cooking from this show and has asked me everyday since to play MKR. This entails us cooking a meal together or baking together and comentating as we go along. There is alwasy a time limit set for us to acheive our culinary masterpiece and there is always drama in the kitchen! I am fully aware that I am possibly creating a monster... but we have fun together when we play. I know she is in the zone when she no longer calls me 'Mum'. It's go time when she calls me "Babe". And in the spirit of commitment to our craft, I return the favour and call her "Babe" too. Bax is the judge and give us a critique on the food. The whole scene is over once a score out of 10 is held up (usually a 9) and India gives me a winning grin, a high 5, and shouts "Yes, we did Babe!"... cue embrace.

Life is good!