Sydney

Last weekend I had the opportunity to go to Sydney to attend an event by the Wake Up project. The event was a speaker by the name of Brene Brown. I first discovered Brene when I was surfing YouTube for TED talks and stumbled across her lecture on 'The Power of Vulnerability'. I was in a pretty vulnerable place that night and, as I lay there in the dark, listening to her speak it was as though this message had been posted just for me. It was a turning point in my life and led me down a path of self discovery. I have been obsessed with the amazing Brene Brown ever since. Not in a "I want to wear your skin as a coat' kind of way but rather a "I'm going to spend $500 to get to Sydney and see her speak in person' kind of way.
I arrived in Sydney on Thursday and spent that night with my cousin Ellen and her hubby Reagan. I adore this couple. I adore how close I am with my extended family and felt our bond of love and friendship grow stronger as I spent time sharing food and laughter. They are a wonderful example of resilience and it was the perfect start to my short getaway.
The following evening I caught a train into the city to catch up with my childhood BFF Brooke. I had the added treat of a quick cuddle and love from my Aunty Chris and her daughters as we passed one another at the station and i swiftly met Noah (Ellen's son). He is adorable! When i arrived at the Central station i stood watching the human traffic pass me by and felt excited with the anticipation of seeing Brookey. We enjoyed a meal at Hard Rock Cafe in Darling Harbour and spent a good part laughing as we reminisced of days gone by. Our circumstances have both changed so much in the time that has passed. We are married now. We are mothers. But despite the time and differences we are still very much the same 10 year old girls at heart. It was such a nice reminder of true friendship. I was really happy that we caught up with Bethany and Leah after dinner at the Lindt cafe. We had fun and I felt connected to a part of myself that has been buried for such a special occasion as this. Reuniting with long time friends brings a special element to an evening.
After a night out on the town (haha) we went back to Brooke's (in her shagin' wagon over the Harbour Bridge) to crash for a few hours before I had to be up for another train ride to the Brene Brown event. The late night was worth the fatigue of the morning and my excitement at the lecture to come was fueling me as i woke at 5am. Brooke dropped me at the station a little while after that and I was fortunate to be able to see Laurel beforehand and briefly catch up with her over breakfast. I have always loved Laurel and was happy to see her again after so long.

The train ride to Chatswood took me a good hour but i enjoyed the peacefulness of that time. I had music playing through my head phones and nice views from the window (including the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge), plus anytime spent traveling without children in the back seems to be a treat these days. I made my way to the Theater and waited for the magic to happen. Before Brene came out we heard beautiful music from a local musician. His rendition of 'The lion sleeps Tonight' was blessed. Following this Jono came to the stage and led the audience in a meditation. I took the opportunity to really connect with where I was and I laid all external noise at my feet to pick up when I left. Brene was then introduced and took her home on the stage. She is a dynamic motivator. I wholehearted believe i was in the right place, at the right time, and witnessed a real life miracle happen in my life. the lecture was a gift. One that I am keeping close to my chest for fear I may lose it, drop it, break it. When the time came for Brene to finish the room stood an ushered her out with applause. Jono then led the good minute (time spent in silence to listen within for the message we wanted to take home) and then it was over. I came to the talk believing that I would learn something, but i never imagined the flow of knowledge would be so steady and so grand. I entered that theater with a heart so broken I was frightened it might never be patched up or able to hold all there was on offer. I left that theater grateful for the cracks that had allowed so much light to enter in. It silenced the noise at my feet and allowed me a graceful exit.

I cried throughout the presentation and spent the next hour walking around a Westfield shopping center (waiting for Claire) crying as waves of gratitude and understanding overwhelmed me.
Eventually Claire and I headed back to Bronte around midday. I spent that evening (which was my last in Sydney) with Claire and Jono and cannot think of anywhere else I would have wanted be. Claire & Jono are two of the most loving, inspired people I have ever met. They founded the Wake Up project. I am so grateful for their example of kindness and wholeheartedness.We spent the afternoon strolling around Bronte and the surrounding coastline to Bondi. Walking in the sunshine, my lungs filled with sea air, was the gentle hug I needed after such an emotional morning. The conversation and scenery was equally beautiful. That night we hired a movie, ate delicious homemade pumpkin soup with crackers and finished off with the most sensational Vegan Cheesecakes i have ever tasted in my life; Chocolate and Raspberry, Mojito, and Raw Vanilla Slice from "Earth to Table". I drifted to sleep that night with a belly and heart so full I was ready to meet my Maker. I will forever be grateful for the peace and contentment I left the East Coast with. Heading home to Perth the following morning was exciting. I missed Kent and my children so desperately, but i was so glad that i had taken the time to do this on my own. Coming home to them after some much needed healing was empowering and wonderful. I cannot thank Kent enough for this gift but i will spend the rest of my life showing him what i have learnt.

Disney on Ice

Towards the end of India's first term of Kindy this year, she experienced some distress when it was time for me to leave. It came as a total shock to her teachers and to me as she had been so brave for the first 3/4 of the term. On her first day, India was the child comforting comforting her friends who were struggling to say goodbye to their parents. This turn in her behaviour really triggered some anxiety in me but we persevered and we got through the rest of the term. Despite the few times India was pried from my arms screaming in term 1, she managed to go the whole of the 2nd term of school with no other episodes. I think it was the promise of a Monster High doll that tipped the scales but i was so impressed wit her resilience that i decided to take her to Disney on Ice as an additional reward.

We drove to the train station with India's Kindy friend Madison (and my new friend; her mum Lauren) and walked the short distance from the city stop to the Perth Arena. This was an additional adventure for the girls and Madison first time on a train. It was so nice to see the girl's anticipation for the show.
We arrived, and after buying a snow cone in a Cinderella carriage, we found our seats. The lights went down and the show began. India's face was worth every cent we spent. She applauded after each skating performance with vigor and her little voice raised itself as high as her spirits. Our favourite part was when the dragon spit fire onto the ice. India was impressed at how the ice didn't melt and she was pleased when Micky Mouse looked her way and waved.

On the way home India and Madison made friend with another girl who had been to the show and they laughed and played the entire length of the train ride. I was impressed with how easily India could make new friends and find joy in doing so. She is becoming such a kind, gentle and loving soul and I am so grateful to be mum.

            so. much. fun.

Lessons I wish i'd learnt...

Dear 15 yr old Me

I know things are really hard sometimes. There are so many voices telling you what you can and cannot do. Who you should and who you should not be. What is right and what is wrong. I know you are doing your best to figure it all out for yourself and process the noise; and I know that there are times when you feel like your best is never going to be enough.

I want you to know that you are going to be OK. Your best is good enough and you are never going to be perfect. The mistakes you make will not define you if you do not let them. Don’t let them.

There will be a time, not long from now, when you will lose your way. This time will be hard and scary and full of remorse. You will feel hopeless and alone – even though you will be surrounded by people. This time in your life can be avoided if you choose wisely. If you can dig deep within yourself and be humble to the advice of those who truly love you! Your parents love you and want you to be happy. They are not trying to ruin your life. They are not perfect. They will make mistakes. Forgive them. One day you will understand for yourself the immense calling that is parenthood and you will know why they acted so desperately. It was desperation at the heart of their war with you and you fought your own battle from the same ground also.

Your feelings matter. Your ideas are important. You are capable. You are not fat. You are not ugly. You are precious and fragile and still learning. You are not the object of a boy’s affection. Do not be quick to tie yourself to the same person for your entire youth. They may prove to be an anchor that keeps you in an unsafe harbour. There will be time for love and heartache later. Learn who you are first and then be confident in the man that loves you for exactly whoever that is. You are not defined by the opinions other will form of you. And they will form opinions. Have courage and know that courage is not the absence of fear, rather the ability to move through that fear and press forward. Forgive yourself and forgive others. It takes courage to forgive.

Ask for help when you are in trouble. There will be times when you will be afraid to ask, ask anyway. Take responsibility for your actions and be honest with yourself and others.

Above all else I want you to know that you are loved. You are loved so deeply there is no name for it. You are capable of learning to love yourself. Learn to love yourself and you will never feel alone.

Life gets better if you let it!

xo

Despicable Me but Delightful Reeve

India had school on Friday and so I decided to take Reeve to the movies for his very first time! Some friends were going to the 10 o'clock viewing of  Despicable Me 2 and we tagged along.

I was nervous because I didn't know what Reeve would be like. He is generally good at sitting on the couch at home for the most part of a movie but it doesn't really matter if he climbs all over the couch. The movie theater with other paying patrons is another story. Much to my delight reeve did well. He sat for majority of the film (which was hilarious!!) and was very much engaged with the content. Laughing at the appropriate times and even roaring at a monster when other children shrieked. There was some climbing however. It was to visit his new friend Tommy and so I was happy to let him make his way down a row to share some popcorn and playtime.

He did so well that Kent and I decided to go again on Saturday and take India too. We had a family date day and the kids were thrilled! Reeve was a little more rambunctious the second time around but the theater was packed and I think the collective energy of the room charged him up a little.

All in all I was very proud of Reeve and excited to have another option for a family activity (or sneaky movie during the week with my special little guy!)

Soccer

Australia has just made it into the 2014 World Cup. Kent and I watched the game together and it took until the 83rd minute of the match to secure our place. Lately there has been much excitement about soccer in our home. 

My friend Kim told me about this soccer class she was attending with her son (and Reeve's bestie) Taco. I decided to take Reeve along and instantly he loved it; to my surprise India did too. Along with Taco, the kids go every week with their cousins Noah and Jacob. I am encouraged to see the children form stronger bonds of friendship and solidarity as they learn and play together.

The coach's name is Jimmy. He is an Englishman and very good at his job. Reeve just loves him and always wants to be next to him during the different drills. As the weeks have gone by Reeve has decided to pick and choose when he wants to join in. He particularly loves rolling the hoola hoops and trying to catch them, as well as the obstacle course. 

India is loving all of the class. She is eager to do well and listens carefully to instructions. India is one of the only girls in the class and is also one of the oldest. She has shown a talent for soccer and it is a joy to watch her happy disposition bouncing around the court. She loves when i pretend to be a crocodile and chase her.

It is interesting and entertaining to see how my little ones approach each task. India is precise and cautious. Reeve is rough with reckless abandon! It casts a light onto how they approach life in general. 

I look forward to watching them grow and learn and play. 

Wanted

 (me & my mum)

At this stage of my life I find my days are filled with crafts, cuddles, cleaning spills, cutting crusts, kissing foreheads, administering medicines, food shops, snacks, school runs, washing, daydreams, dishes, sheet changes, nappies, bath time, storybooks... The list is continually growing.

It is a demanding time for me. I am on call 24 hours a day. Each night I fall asleep, uncertain of when my human alarm clocks will sound, signaling that I am wanted in some capacity.

I feel desperately inadequate. I would have never made it through the first round of interviewing if Motherhood was a "profession" and yet here I am; a Mother. I would not want to be anything else. I fight my way through each day striving to be the caregiver God put me on this earth the be, striving to be the mother my children deserve.

Children have made me question many things in life. But of one truth I can be sure... I am wanted.

 I am wanted and I would rather be wanted than not.

10045

I actually did it.

For so long i have doubted myself. my abilities as a wife, a mother, a friend. I have faced many darkened days; days full of sunshine I was unable to see. Blinded by fear and defeat, I sincerely could not remember or reach my potential. 

I made the decision to make this year different. I signed up to do the Stampede  and Tough Mudder in an attempt to force myself to change. It probably seems a strange way to combat depression and anxiety but in order to complete these goals I am required to nourish my body properly, to get adequate rest, and to exercise. This is the formula that will change my life. I have carried this heavy stone around in my chest long enough and I feel ready to drop it in the ocean. I want it to make a tidal wave so big, that it drowns my fear and swallows my sadness whole! 

Yesterday I completed a 10km mud rush known as The Stampede. It was hard. It was muddy. It was fun.

We set out for the fields early. Leaving the children was the first obstacle for the day! They are each experiencing some tears whenever i leave them, which has added to my own separation anxiety. Grandma arrived at 7am. I kissed cheeks, wiped tears, said goodbye and I got through it.

We arrived, registered, marked our bodies with our designated numbers and waited for the second wave of competitors to be called up. As we listened to the DJ and music we observed the array of the people surrounding us and crazy enough to join us. I was terrified and excited when the time came to set off. 

Once the first obstacle was done and my heart rate was elevated I felt my fear give way to hope. Throughout the duration of the course I experienced a wide spectrum of emotions. I hit walls of doubt and exhaustion. I also felt triumph and joy. My mantra was "I can do Hard Things!!!". Some of the obstacles were easier than i had expected them to be and others required me to ask for help. I was definitely the slowest on my team, but I was never left behind or alone. This required others to sacrifice and i felt moments of shame and vulnerability. But i also felt loved and supported. It humbled me on more than one level. 

There were 4 particular Obstacles that, in hindsight, became stand out moments for me. 

The first was the adult sized, downhill, Slip'n'Slide. This was pure childhood fun and boy did i fly down that hill! I hit the pool of muddy water at the base so hard that i simultaneously fell out of my bra and pants! It was the most free i have felt in a long time :)
 
The second was the Ice Bath. It was cold like i have never experienced before. I thought my skull was going to crack open and my skin had been set on fire. I thought i was going to vomit or blackout. However, shortly after the pain subsided and it gave way to pure exhilaration. I WAS ALIVE!

The third was this wall...

This obstacle was number 36 out of 40. I was running on an empty tank at this point. I had completed every obstacle up until this point but truly did NOT believe i was capabale of conquering this fete. It required me to run at and then up the wall. Bax and a fellow Stampeder waited at the top with outstretched hands to help me over. My first attempt failed. I fell down defeated. But from the side lines i heard my brother Joe and LF bestie Kim cheering me on. I wanted to give up, but i didn't. Determined to complete every obstacle I leaned into the discomfort, took a deep breathe and  ran. My feet hit the wall and I dug deeper. I ran as far up that wall as i could have possibly run then leapt with all the wounded muster of my soul. And sure enough, my Baxter clasped my hand so tightly i knew he was not going to let me fall. I allowed myself a few tears as i descended the other side of that wall, so close to completing the course.

The fourth obstacle was going to see me face my fear... 10,000 vaults of electricity.

I waited until i had a clear path the run through. The girls in front of me and to the side had opted to army crawl underneath the live wires. I contemplated the same route but decided to finish, confident in the knowledge that i had taken the harder road where possible. I was electrocuted THREE times but did not fall until i had reached the other side! I waited for Baxter to make it through and together we crossed the finish line hand in hand. Once we had stepped across that line I sobbed into his chest, relieved that it was over and proud that I had completed the entire 10km.

This experience taught me to believe again.