My mama told me there'd be days like this!

 {written 13/04/2011}

Dear India,

Today was a tough day. You spent half of the night trapped in nightmares, thrashing around in bed and consequently you woke up out of sorts. You told me repeatedly that you were sad and grumpy. You even told me you did not love me at one point. I had asked you to let me go to the bathroom by myself; I know I was being totally selfish! Throughout the day I felt sad with you, and helpless, and even a little frustrated. I’m sorry if I lost my patience with you.

 I worry sometimes that I expect too much from you. You have only been on this earth for 2 years, and I know you’ve been trying your hardest to soak it all up.

But I also worry that I’m going to raise an indulged child if I let you get away with too much. You have such a strong will and you know how to be your own advocate. I love this in you and fear this in you too. I want you to be confident and strong and happy. But I also want to teach you how to bridle those passions and delay instant gratification. I hope I can teach you these things without you feeling I am taking your power away. Some days I feel this constant power struggle with you and I’m guilty of giving in too much as well as pushing you too far. I promise to be more consistent as I try to find stability in motherhood.

You are my first. Maybe life is supposed to have handed us this trial. You got all of me to yourself for the first little bit and all of those awe inspiring first time memories of my mothering are intertwined with ONLY you. And so in return you will bear the brunt of all my first mistakes. I know Heavenly Father made you strong enough to take on the world, so why not start with me! Thank you for letting me ‘experiment’ with you. Your brother will one day thank you.

I love you now.. more than ever!

Love always,

Ma xxx