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I actually did it.

For so long i have doubted myself. my abilities as a wife, a mother, a friend. I have faced many darkened days; days full of sunshine I was unable to see. Blinded by fear and defeat, I sincerely could not remember or reach my potential. 

I made the decision to make this year different. I signed up to do the Stampede  and Tough Mudder in an attempt to force myself to change. It probably seems a strange way to combat depression and anxiety but in order to complete these goals I am required to nourish my body properly, to get adequate rest, and to exercise. This is the formula that will change my life. I have carried this heavy stone around in my chest long enough and I feel ready to drop it in the ocean. I want it to make a tidal wave so big, that it drowns my fear and swallows my sadness whole! 

Yesterday I completed a 10km mud rush known as The Stampede. It was hard. It was muddy. It was fun.

We set out for the fields early. Leaving the children was the first obstacle for the day! They are each experiencing some tears whenever i leave them, which has added to my own separation anxiety. Grandma arrived at 7am. I kissed cheeks, wiped tears, said goodbye and I got through it.

We arrived, registered, marked our bodies with our designated numbers and waited for the second wave of competitors to be called up. As we listened to the DJ and music we observed the array of the people surrounding us and crazy enough to join us. I was terrified and excited when the time came to set off. 

Once the first obstacle was done and my heart rate was elevated I felt my fear give way to hope. Throughout the duration of the course I experienced a wide spectrum of emotions. I hit walls of doubt and exhaustion. I also felt triumph and joy. My mantra was "I can do Hard Things!!!". Some of the obstacles were easier than i had expected them to be and others required me to ask for help. I was definitely the slowest on my team, but I was never left behind or alone. This required others to sacrifice and i felt moments of shame and vulnerability. But i also felt loved and supported. It humbled me on more than one level. 

There were 4 particular Obstacles that, in hindsight, became stand out moments for me. 

The first was the adult sized, downhill, Slip'n'Slide. This was pure childhood fun and boy did i fly down that hill! I hit the pool of muddy water at the base so hard that i simultaneously fell out of my bra and pants! It was the most free i have felt in a long time :)
 
The second was the Ice Bath. It was cold like i have never experienced before. I thought my skull was going to crack open and my skin had been set on fire. I thought i was going to vomit or blackout. However, shortly after the pain subsided and it gave way to pure exhilaration. I WAS ALIVE!

The third was this wall...

This obstacle was number 36 out of 40. I was running on an empty tank at this point. I had completed every obstacle up until this point but truly did NOT believe i was capabale of conquering this fete. It required me to run at and then up the wall. Bax and a fellow Stampeder waited at the top with outstretched hands to help me over. My first attempt failed. I fell down defeated. But from the side lines i heard my brother Joe and LF bestie Kim cheering me on. I wanted to give up, but i didn't. Determined to complete every obstacle I leaned into the discomfort, took a deep breathe and  ran. My feet hit the wall and I dug deeper. I ran as far up that wall as i could have possibly run then leapt with all the wounded muster of my soul. And sure enough, my Baxter clasped my hand so tightly i knew he was not going to let me fall. I allowed myself a few tears as i descended the other side of that wall, so close to completing the course.

The fourth obstacle was going to see me face my fear... 10,000 vaults of electricity.

I waited until i had a clear path the run through. The girls in front of me and to the side had opted to army crawl underneath the live wires. I contemplated the same route but decided to finish, confident in the knowledge that i had taken the harder road where possible. I was electrocuted THREE times but did not fall until i had reached the other side! I waited for Baxter to make it through and together we crossed the finish line hand in hand. Once we had stepped across that line I sobbed into his chest, relieved that it was over and proud that I had completed the entire 10km.

This experience taught me to believe again.

MKR Babes

There is a TV show called My Kitchen Rules (MKR). It is a reality show that see everyday Aussies cook off against each other. The idea is to enter the competition with a friend or partner and host a dinner party for the other teams and 2 celebrity judges (Pete & Manu) in your home. You create an 'instant restaurant' and showcase your skills in a 3 course menu that illustrates who you are on a plate. The other teams and the judges then score your performance and the higher scoring teams go on to compete in a series of challenges until 2 teams are left standing in a sudden death cook off, which is to be judged by 6 celebrity chefs (Colin was a clear favourite of mine this year... yum!). The winners are crowned victorious and win $250,000.

I have never before permitted india to watch reality TV. I want to make this clear. However, one particular night, not too far along in the competition, India had a rough night and stayed up later than usual. I was keen on watching MKR so i allowed her to lay in bed and watch with me. This was a turning point in her life. It was as if she had a spiritual awakening. India fell in love with cooking and in love with MKR. I would have to ensure she was in bed before it began or there was a fight on my hands! India always won and it soon became something we both looked forward to. An activity we loved to do together.

It was all very exciting and mouthwatering fun. On the show there is always teams you love, you dislike and you love to dislike. This year saw 2 girls from NSW  become the team Australia loved to dislike and who changed the way i feel about the word "babe" from this point on. They were amazing cooks but they were also, as India nicknamed them, the Mean Girls. They had a particularly amusing rivalry with a team of Italian mum's, Angela and Melina, who were India's favourite team. Infact, India cried herself to sleep the night they were evicted from the competition (we have video proof!) and in order to comfort her i had to help her fall in love with another team - Dan & Steph. They were my favourite team and i cannot express how grateful i am that they won... i do not know how India would have handled their loss in the final :)

This leads me to the point of my post. India developed a greater love of cooking from this show and has asked me everyday since to play MKR. This entails us cooking a meal together or baking together and comentating as we go along. There is alwasy a time limit set for us to acheive our culinary masterpiece and there is always drama in the kitchen! I am fully aware that I am possibly creating a monster... but we have fun together when we play. I know she is in the zone when she no longer calls me 'Mum'. It's go time when she calls me "Babe". And in the spirit of commitment to our craft, I return the favour and call her "Babe" too. Bax is the judge and give us a critique on the food. The whole scene is over once a score out of 10 is held up (usually a 9) and India gives me a winning grin, a high 5, and shouts "Yes, we did Babe!"... cue embrace.

Life is good!

Crazy Cat Lady in the making

India,

You say the best things! You told me recently that you want to marry a cat. I had to fight the urge to tell you how ridiculous that is. you are still at an age where anything is possible and I am in no rush to deprive you of that notion.

You love to watch My Kitchen Rules (a reality cooking show). There are 2 Italian women on the show called Angela and Melina. The day they were expelled from the competition you cried yourself to sleep. I had to console you by explaining that they were now at home with their babies and families. This helped; the thought of them with their babies. You love babies (especially Tyde), but do not want any of your own. I hope that changes! You are so maternal in your approach to life. You like to help others and have good instincts. 

You are confident and very funny. We laugh alot.

You are a deep thinker. You ask questions all the time. You think about the answers i give you and speak your mind when my answers don't work for you. I love this about you. I also fear this about you, only because i like to think i will be able to solve all the problems you find along the way. I know this is unrealistic. I know we will not always agree and i will try my hardest to respect you and learn from your insight. You already teach me so much.

You challenge me in ways i never thought to dream of before becoming a parent. The day you entered this world was the day I was changed forever. My needs were no longer my own and i saw the world in a different way.. This planet was now home to the most precious human being ever created. I remember thinking about how lucky this world was to receive you... how blessed and incredibly relieved I was also! Since that day over 4 years have passed and you are evolving with time. I am learning to allow you to evolve. I have recently come to the crushing realization that my job is NOT to keep you as perfect as you were when you entered this life... my job is to hold a sacred space for you to feel love and acceptance as you fight your way through each stage of life. You are worthy of love my girl. And you are worthy of the time you choose to take to figure out who you are, who you want to become, and how the world makes sense to you.

You were made strong enough to withstand all that this life will throw at you, and even when you feel that strength betrays you, I will be here to hold your hand. I will be here until you feel strong enough to let go and step forward. Always move forward.

You expose me to a deeper level of vulnerability; I will never be the same again and I am so glad.  
I love you
Mum xoxo

Big Bad Wolf

Reeve

You huff and you puff and you blow houses down. I think this is only because you want an invite inside. By nature you are gentle but you love to play rough and I do not think you realize your own strength.You are changing so rapidly. I am coming to terms with this fact but I want so desperately to document all the funny things you do and (try) to say. I'm terrified I will forget, as though my forgetfulness might indicate this was  just a dream and I was never really lucky enough to experience you, front row and center. It is silly, but mum's can be very silly sometimes.

Your vocabulary has exploded and you fill in the gaps with jibber jabber and your own brand of sign language. The yelling is becoming less frequent, an indication that you are, at long last, being heard. I'm sorry it took so long sweetheart! One of my favourite things you do is to tell me you are hungry. You do this by rubbing your hand on your tummy, licking your lips and making a sounds that resembles the satisfaction of a well cooked meal "mmmmmmmm mmmmmmm". It is so very endearing! Your favourite food is toast. 

You are still a bottle fiend! It is your greatest pacifier.

You love Toy Story and have a Buzz Lightyear action figure that you play with everyday. You ask to watch "Buzz" every morning. You don't seem to mind which of the trilogy it is. You attempt to yodel like Jessie. It is my next favourite thing you do at the moment. You close your eyes tight, pout your lips, and give as little "ooh hoo". We have flimed it many times. Late at night, long after you have fallen asleep, I find myself watching and laughing. 

You are an endless source of joy and mess! A force to be reckoned with if your space or feeling are in jeapordy. You defend your family with big brother mentality and I look forward to watching you grow into a man, who knows how to love without limits!

I love you so very deeply!

Mama xoxo 

It's just a bad day; not a bad life

We have a love jar in our home. It is a tool for Family Home Evening that we use to start or finish our family time together. It is filled with messages of appreciation and love from throughout the week. ie 'We love daddy because he works so hard' or 'India did a great job at sharing'. The children love to read it. They especially enjoy hearing praise specific to their actions. 

Lately we have neglected the love jar. It has sat, lifeless on the top shelf for a few months now. I do not believe it is a coincidence that the past few months, though free of any major crisis, have felt a little lifeless at times also. I whole heartedly believe this comes down to the fact that I have neglected the time it would take to think about and express my gratitude for the small mercies of the week. The fragile and fleeting moments of kindness and sacrifice have gone unnoticed or under appreciated. The tenderness of our home has been impacted as a result and in turn the tenderness of my Mothering has too. 

Dinner and bath time have been tedious, discipline and cleaning spills has seemed endless, dancing and laughter still boil at the surface but have not spilled over as often as they should. Raising small children is hard work, but it is also the only work I would want to be doing when I really sit back and think about it. It has afforded me the greatest growth and the greatest joy. And at the end of the long hard days there is peace.

We are healthy, we are blessed, and we are together. I couldn't ask for more (even if somedays I feel to ask for less!). I am ever appreciative of those people in my life, who through inspiration, have felt to call, or message, or stop by at the exact moment i have needed their love and compassion the most. It is a constant testament to me that I am loved and I have so much love to give. I hope I can do so with more joy.

 

*thanks for the quote in the title Carmen

2

Reeve,

You have been a 2 year old for 1 month already. Time really does prove to be fleeting as our lives continue to develop. Your days are also my days son. we are writing this story together and it's genre can be defined on any given day. Your birthday proved to be a mixture of comedy and heartfelt drama. Granny and Pop had arrived with Uncle Joe the night before your special day and this ushered into our home, an added measure of love and energy. You celebrated with a small gathering of your friends and family. You ate cake, played pass the parcel, received gifts, and smiled hard. It was a great day.

You love Juice and your bottle.
You love motorbikes. and trucks. and planes. and trains.
You love your Dad the most.
You are learning to share. 
You love to kiss and give The Best hugs!
You love to be naked.
You love Shaun the Sheep & Timmy Time. You call them both Baa.
You also love to watch Mr Maker.and have recently discovered craft.
You are left handed.
You are starting to like books.
You do not like bedtime.
You are "talking" more. I am trying my hardest to understand!
You prefer sweet over savoury.
You love to be tickled.

This past year has seen you change. You are still the same loveable boy you have been since your arrival, but you are getting older. This is to be expected. It is the natural order of life. But that does little to appease my discomfort as I comprehend the time that has past and cannot be retrieved. You will never be this age again. This time in your life is precious. It is a hard stage for us both. I find myself wishing you older some days. I think it is more the frustration I feel as I watch you struggle with language and your inability to express yourself. More than wishing away this time together i so desperately wish for your success and your peace. I love you. I have always loved you as much as i do now. As you grow I better understand the way you operate. Your likes. Your dislikes. Your fears. Your talents. These elements are ones we are learning and recording as we go. But from the moment i laid eyes on those 2 lines of the pregnancy test, confirming your existence within me, I have loved you with a Love that has only met its equal in your Sister. You are divine. Don't ever believe anything else.

Love Mama xxx

P.s

Your birthday cakes:

4

Dear India,

Yesterday was your 4th birthday. A day signalling that you have been a member of our family and this world for 4 years; although i suspect you have been a part of us for much longer than that. From the moment I first heard your cry and saw your face i knew I had known you before. I had finally been reunited with a long lost and most desired treasure.  My heart was healed of an emptiness I had not contemplated before you came along and my loneliness was completey eradicated with the arrival of you and your brother. You are a large piece of what makes me whole. I feel it when you are far from me and I feel it when you are near. You are love.

You are happy (most of the time).
You know your own mind 
You challenge anyone or anything that challenges you.
You love music and dancing and you sing all. the. time.
You do NOT like kissies!
You love girl Lego.
You share and you are a peacemaker.
You can sleep on your own.
You call for me every morning to come for cuddles.
You still sleep with your bear "Pinky Pie".
Your favourite food is 2 min noodles (mi goreng)
Your favourite colour is pink.and yellow. and purple.
You still ask for a bottle (even when you know the answer is NO)
You can ride a bike with training wheels.
Your lisp is slowly fading.

India, never in all my days could I have imagined enough luck to have been handed you. You are a messy package of hands and feet and hair and fun. I am accosted by your volume and your grace. You made me a mother. There are days of triumph and failure as we traverse this rough terrain together. and even though we have mapped deep descents we have scaled the highest of mountains also. What views await us as we continue to share in the moments I hold closest to my heart?! We are surviving this journey well my love.

I love you forever
I love you for always

Mum xxx

a few photos