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I actually did it.

For so long i have doubted myself. my abilities as a wife, a mother, a friend. I have faced many darkened days; days full of sunshine I was unable to see. Blinded by fear and defeat, I sincerely could not remember or reach my potential. 

I made the decision to make this year different. I signed up to do the Stampede  and Tough Mudder in an attempt to force myself to change. It probably seems a strange way to combat depression and anxiety but in order to complete these goals I am required to nourish my body properly, to get adequate rest, and to exercise. This is the formula that will change my life. I have carried this heavy stone around in my chest long enough and I feel ready to drop it in the ocean. I want it to make a tidal wave so big, that it drowns my fear and swallows my sadness whole! 

Yesterday I completed a 10km mud rush known as The Stampede. It was hard. It was muddy. It was fun.

We set out for the fields early. Leaving the children was the first obstacle for the day! They are each experiencing some tears whenever i leave them, which has added to my own separation anxiety. Grandma arrived at 7am. I kissed cheeks, wiped tears, said goodbye and I got through it.

We arrived, registered, marked our bodies with our designated numbers and waited for the second wave of competitors to be called up. As we listened to the DJ and music we observed the array of the people surrounding us and crazy enough to join us. I was terrified and excited when the time came to set off. 

Once the first obstacle was done and my heart rate was elevated I felt my fear give way to hope. Throughout the duration of the course I experienced a wide spectrum of emotions. I hit walls of doubt and exhaustion. I also felt triumph and joy. My mantra was "I can do Hard Things!!!". Some of the obstacles were easier than i had expected them to be and others required me to ask for help. I was definitely the slowest on my team, but I was never left behind or alone. This required others to sacrifice and i felt moments of shame and vulnerability. But i also felt loved and supported. It humbled me on more than one level. 

There were 4 particular Obstacles that, in hindsight, became stand out moments for me. 

The first was the adult sized, downhill, Slip'n'Slide. This was pure childhood fun and boy did i fly down that hill! I hit the pool of muddy water at the base so hard that i simultaneously fell out of my bra and pants! It was the most free i have felt in a long time :)
 
The second was the Ice Bath. It was cold like i have never experienced before. I thought my skull was going to crack open and my skin had been set on fire. I thought i was going to vomit or blackout. However, shortly after the pain subsided and it gave way to pure exhilaration. I WAS ALIVE!

The third was this wall...

This obstacle was number 36 out of 40. I was running on an empty tank at this point. I had completed every obstacle up until this point but truly did NOT believe i was capabale of conquering this fete. It required me to run at and then up the wall. Bax and a fellow Stampeder waited at the top with outstretched hands to help me over. My first attempt failed. I fell down defeated. But from the side lines i heard my brother Joe and LF bestie Kim cheering me on. I wanted to give up, but i didn't. Determined to complete every obstacle I leaned into the discomfort, took a deep breathe and  ran. My feet hit the wall and I dug deeper. I ran as far up that wall as i could have possibly run then leapt with all the wounded muster of my soul. And sure enough, my Baxter clasped my hand so tightly i knew he was not going to let me fall. I allowed myself a few tears as i descended the other side of that wall, so close to completing the course.

The fourth obstacle was going to see me face my fear... 10,000 vaults of electricity.

I waited until i had a clear path the run through. The girls in front of me and to the side had opted to army crawl underneath the live wires. I contemplated the same route but decided to finish, confident in the knowledge that i had taken the harder road where possible. I was electrocuted THREE times but did not fall until i had reached the other side! I waited for Baxter to make it through and together we crossed the finish line hand in hand. Once we had stepped across that line I sobbed into his chest, relieved that it was over and proud that I had completed the entire 10km.

This experience taught me to believe again.